And Just Like That, It's Gone.

Two weeks.

I made it two weeks.  Lost 12 pounds.  It was awesome, I was proud of my self.  I was doing it.

And then this

Why?  The easiest answer is that I lost control.  I had missed breakfast one morning because of a change in my schedule.  Ended up eating my oatmeal for lunch, by the time dinner came around I was so hungry I couldn't stand it.  The Wunder Hubs and I decided to go out to eat and treat ourselves.  We ordered food, instead of a salad or grilled chicken and veggies, I went for the chicken tenders. And what the hey, we ordered fried pickles too.  It was glorious, I ate until I couldn't stand it any more.  I was so disappointed in myself, then the next day came.  I had lost my drive, I did OK, but not great.  I stopped tracking my progress in MyFitnessPal and stopped trying.  Thankfully Wunder Hubs has maintained and is keeping up his progress, I am very proud of him.

I find I tell myself that "Once we get the house, we will have the treadmill and a tighter budget. That will help me stay on track" Yeah right Martie, that will work.  Who knows, that might just be the change I need to get set on the right path again.   I hope so.

A Touch of Grey

So last weekend we stayed in Kansas City, or just outside ofit, and had a lovely time.  But there is one thing that happened that I have not been able to get out of my head.  It was a horrible reality check, a shock to the senses; it was a big, blinking sign in my face that flashed “YOU’RE GETTING OLD”.  Here’s what happened…..

We were very lucky to get a room, it was Memorial Day weekend and every place Wunder Hubs called was completely booked.  We were just about to give up when he got a room at the Super 8 in Bonner Springs.  They had just gotten a cancellation and gave us the room.  We were very pleased, the trip was back on.  We packed our bags for an overnight stay and headed out.  We decided to check in before we headed to Pizza West for dinner.  We unloaded the Kia, walked to the elevator and waited for what seemed an eternity for it to arrive.  We waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, we were to the point of going to the front desk to see if there is a problem with their elevator.  But just as we started to walk away we heard the “BEEP” signaling the elevators arrival. 

This is pretty much exactly what they had on

We turned and froze.  It was the Kiddo’s face I noticed first.  His eyes bulged, he blushed and looked at me then back at the elevator, then all around not sure where to look.  Out of the elevator came a shirtless man in leather pants, a bow tie and a fur scarf.  He was trailed by two girls in neon bikinis.  We all paused and looked at each other, then continued on our way.  But in that moment, the moment in which we all stopped and took in the presence of one another, the harsh realization hit me. 

I think what triggered the realization was not the clothing of the elevator skin tribe (or lack thereof).  But it was the way they looked at me.  I was able to see myself from their point of view.  And their point of view took my mental image of myself which looks something like this…..

Behold the thinnest I have ever been in my adult life!  This is 2006 Martie and how I often find my perception of myself mentally to look.  (if that makes any sense at all.)

And turned it into something like this…..

Hello children!  May I bake you a pie?

As we boarded the elevator, Wunder Hubs chuckled and said “Oh to be 20 again”. I gave a snort of a laugh in agreeance.  But my mind wondered, I was never that young.  Nope, not ever.  I went from child to housewife (you see my first marriage started when I was 17).  I cannot relate to these people in any way.  

And that felt strange.

Later we learned that the hotel was booked because of a Skrillex concert.  Thus the wildly funky cast of characters we continued to encounter at the Super 8.  Maybe he wouldn't see me as so old and lame if we met.....

"Hey Baby, I think your career development plan is HAWT!  Tell me more about your phat 401(k)"
UN-CHEE UN-CHEE UN-CHEE UN-CHEE BWOOOMNG

 

So am I upset about being old?  No, not really.  Sure it would be great to be as fat as I thought I was in my 20’s.  And sure it would be nice to not have the aches and pains that I have now in my joints.  But I love my life, I love my Wunder Hubs and my Kiddo.  Life is more manageable now that I am nearing my *gasp* mid 30’s.  So I am not hep and trendy as the kids, that’s OK, I've got swagger.  

OK, maybe not, but I am comfortable with my place in this world and that has to count for something.  I will get by......

Vacation Rules

Tonight I am writing you from Kansas City, well, just outside of it in Bonner Springs.  We are enjoying a mini-vacation this Memorial Day weekend.  We started the journey at one of our favorite places on Earth,

Can we just move in please?  We wouldn't be any trouble, we promise!

Pizza West.  What????  You have not been to Pizza West?  Crazy Talk!  Let me tell you about it.   Simply put, Pizza West is the bomb-diggity.  They have SEVEN pinball machines to play!  That alone is enough to get us to make a trip to Shawnee, Kansas.  But in addition to pinball goodness, they have quality pizza.  It’s rather delish.  Is it a family place?  Sure!  Every table is covered with white paper which begs to be colored with the complimentary crayons provided.   Is it a good place to go and watch sports?  You bet your sweet bippy!  Little televisions at each table invite you to tune in and watch the game while their beer selection is ready to meet your needs.   The place is decorated in a fun and energetic fashion, with upside-down lamps as lighting and a train that runs up above.   We are such big fans of this place that Gavin had to buy a shirt from them.  He wore it when he participated in Camp Gizmo a few months back, they created a Harlem Shake video and we sent the owners of Pizza West the link.  Now whenever we come into the place they yell "Hey Harlem Shake Kid!" and give him quarters to play pinball.   As you can tell, I am a fan of this place, it’s pretty awesome.

Now normally when we go to Pizza West, we get a couple of pizzas, cheesy garlic bread, and a big ol’ desert.  We eat as much as we can possibly stand, take the rest home, and probably have more of the left-overs for an evening snack.    I’m not proud of this, but it is what it is.  Add to that the fact that we are on vacation (normally a free-for-all junk food spree and second dinner extravaganza), the odds are that we are going to make this visit to Pizza West one for the record books.  Well it was, but in a much different way.   You see we have been good this week, I mean REALLY good.  Brandon has dropped 14 pounds and has had to tighten his belt two notches this week.  I am a bit behind him at 9 pounds but I am very happy with that.   Before we got to Pizza West tonight, Brandon looked up their menu and planed out our order.  Instead of ordering two pizzas, we got one, and that one was a medium.   We split the pizza up between the three of us and we had salads from the salad bar before we ate the pizza.  It was delicious, it was worth the wait (been planning this trip for most of the week), and the best part, we weren't miserable after we ate.  We didn't stuff ourselves so full that we were in pain.  Instead we got just enough and were able to go on with our evening. 

Will we always have that kind of self control?  Probably not.  But tonight we did and that was a major accomplishment.  

Embracing the Hunger

Here I am on day three of getting with it.  Things feel different this time, I really feel like it is going to happen.  At least, I can hold out for a while.  Usually I make all kinds of plans, make it one day, then the smallest obstacle comes up and I am back to my old habits.  Not this time.  This time I am feeling pretty darn good. 

Today they are having birthday treats at the office.  The third Wednesday of every month we bring in birthday treats for the office.  First the email goes out, and then I see people walking by my office with donuts, crackers, dip and more.  This has been a test for me today.  The first day was easier; I was excited about the change.  I was able to turn down ice cream and margaritas.  Yesterday was a bit harder; the evening snack time was more tempting.  Today I am struggling.  I had oatmeal for breakfast; it was filling until about 15 minutes ago.  Now my tummy is growling and I want to eat.

How I feel sitting next to the normal-sized folk

I’ve always loved the feeling of hunger, mostly because it was a signal that I could eat some more.  Yes I love to eat.  It is a beautiful moment in my day where I get to indulge, I get to enjoy, and I am in control.  I can choose what I feed my body, and I can choose what sounds the most pleasurable.  And I can always convince myself that the least nutritious choice is the best.    I think about ways I have “earned” this treat, either by referencing some accomplishment, or by consoling myself after a disappointment.  Yes the reason to indulge in a poor diet is easy to find.  The reason to be steadfast and properly feed my body is never as attractive as melty cheese and crispy crust. 

Edited to protect your delicate sensibilities.

The last few days I have noticed the feeling of hunger more as it is growing more deeply within me.  I know I need to have a few healthy snacks between meals to keep my metabolism going, but I haven’t found my go-to snack just yet.  But I will.  For now I am embracing the feeling of hunger.  My stomach growls and I close my eyes, take a deep breath and focus on the feeling.  I focus on the intensity of it.  I think about how this feeling is a helpful sign and not a green flag to binge.  I do not allow myself to simply react to the feeling by grabbing whatever is closest.  I stop and I think about what I have eaten and what I should eat, or if I should eat.  I focus on the beauty of the hunger, and how selfish I have been all of these years. 

This post is running long; I will expand on it next time.  Thanks for reading!

More Than My Frame Can Take

I weighed myself this morning, something that I rarely do anymore.  I weighed in at 280 pounds.  Honestly I expected it to be more, here’s why.  Two years ago, when I was blogging regularly and really working to lose weight, I could jog for an hour at least.  Now, a simple walk around the grocery store is near agony.  The muscles in my legs cramp up, I get this massive ball of pain in my lower back, and I am out of breath after a walk from one side of my apartment to the other.  This is a complete and total failure.  Because not only did I gain back the weight I had lost, I added to that weight.  I have never been this heavy in my life, even when I was pregnant with the kiddo I didn't weigh this much.

So it got me thinking, this is way more than my tiny skeleton is meant to carry.  My height is five feet and

This is a good representation of how I feel all the time

nearly two inches (I’m claiming that second inch!).  The kiddo, who will be turning 11 in a couple of months, is nearly the same height as I am.  Other kids in his class are now taller than me.  If you go by that scale that estimates ideal weight for height, I should be 100-110 pounds.  So that means I am carrying an extra 180 pounds with me wherever I go.  That is a full grown adult.  That my friends is insane.  No wonder I am exhausted all the time, no wonder none of my clothes fit right any more, no wonder my shoes are destroyed on a regular basis.  If I were Atlas it would be impressive, but since I am just me, not so much.

Hubs is in the same boat, we are morbidly obese and we are miserable.  Together we have set the date, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives.  Yes I know we have done this before, but it has to work this time.  If not I worry we will not be around much longer.  Today we are moving a treadmill to the book store.  We are hoping to buy a house this summer, once we do that the treadmill will once again be where we live and that will be a big help.  We have vowed that there will no longer be fast food lunches, no more fatty/sugary snacks in the house, and we will be drinking a lot more water. 

Here we go, 

Hello from Chicago!

The view from our hotel the first night we arrived

As I am writing this I am sitting on the 20^th floor of the Hyatt Regency in Chicago, Illinois.  The sun has just started to break through the tall buildings and I can hear people stirring down the hall.  But the sound that is most impressive is the constant howl outside; this truly is the windy city.  The day after Christmas hubs and I jumped on a train and started this adventure.  It has been a lovely trip so far.  We visited Millennium Park and took pictures of the Bean (this was the biggest thing on my list!).  We went to the Chicago Art Institute and viewed priceless artifacts and works of art.  We visited the Lincoln Park Zoo and saw some very interesting animals.  We have ventured off of the beaten path, the places where most tourists do not go, and hunted down some rare book shops.  This has been a very nice get away for hubs and I.  The food has been amazing; every meal seems to cost more than home but wow, above our expectations each time.

This trip has required a lot of walking.  Oh I’m sorry, I don’t think I emphasized that enough, let me try again.  A LOT OF WALKING.  My short little stubby legs have been scurrying along these streets as fast as they can.  I am so horribly out of shape at the moment, I think the last time I tried to go for a walk was back in August.  But we have no car here and do not want one.  We are determined to not only enjoy Chicago, but to also make this the starting point of a new lifestyle.  I know I know I know, I've said this

before.  Yeah, I do that a lot.  Always have the best intentions of getting out there and making a real change, but the next day comes and I lose the drive.  Well it can’t happen here, if we want to see anything in this town we have to get out and get moving.

We both agree that when we get home we will continue to push each other to get into better shape and eat better.  Not because of vanity, but because we want a long and healthy life together.  The hubs’s heart condition is a very serious one, and we have gotten off track.  We NEED to fix this.  And while nowhere near as serious as hubs, my joints are so sore, especially my knees.  I know it’s the weight; arthritis is something that runs through my family.  If I don’t fix this now, I may not be able to in the future.

So that’s it.  We are going to do this.  We have to do this.  God I hope we do this.

How I Learned to Let Go and Stop Worrying

I am a busy girl.  (I know, I know, you’re tired of hearing me and other people you know constantly complain about being busy.  But bear with me for a minute because we are going to work through it and get to the good stuff.)

Ok, where was I?  Ah yes, the busy. 

This is a pretty accurate representation of my calendar

I am a busy girl.  Over the past year I have added so many responsibilities to my life that it got a bit out-of-hand.  Working full-time, working over-time, opening a small bookshop with Wunder Hubs, parenting the Kiddo, joining with other Downtown Topeka businesses to form an advertising coop, contributing to a local magazine, school full-time, and a seemingly constant line of family members in the hospital.  It got to the point where I had to give up hours of sleep to ensure I would get everything done on time.  And I did, but the cost I paid was my own health and stress level. 

Then along came my surgery.  Was I nervous?  Maybe, but in the weeks leading up to it I was more focused on the things I needed to take care of before going under.  Right down to the night before I was working on this and that.  The morning of the surgery I got up, rode in the car with my Hubs, and went into the hospital.  The usual things happened next, change into the ever so fashionable gown, put on a rockin’ hair net thing, score some of the most coveted hospital socks, get an IV put in and it’s time to go.  Then came the moment I had been waiting for, the one I had been dreaming about, fast and deep sleep.  The wave came over me so quickly, it was like tingly magic and I welcomed it. 

Aww yiss... Mutha.  F*#&in' Rest

I spent one night in the hospital with my Wunder Hubs never leaving my side.  Came home and slept for two days on the couch.  Grandma Nelda and my Aunts regularly checked in on me and made sure I was doing ok.  Then for the next two weeks I mostly lay on my couch, watched Netflix, and played Minecraft.  It was great!  Our kitten curled up with me and the corgi was always close by.  I watched the fall rains come down, watched the sun come up, and enjoyed time with my family.  The whole time I did not worry about a single project, no deadlines, even my instructor let me take it easy in school for a couple of weeks.  I was in this wonderful limbo of relaxation and Maury Povich at 2:00pm.  (You ARE the father!  You are NOT the father! WOOOO *Backflips*)

Daytime Television at it's finest

The first day I started to ease back into things I was a mess.  I had a client who needed graphic design and social media work pronto, the coop needed the same and quickly, the bookshop needed help with some things, and school hit in full swing.  I was stressed out, so much so that I could not focus on my work; I kept fidgeting and going back and forth from one project to another.  I stressed from the time I opened my email until the time I finished with the last project around 11:00pm that night. 

I know!  Cloning is a swell idea!

This was a huge wakeup call for me.  Why was I getting so worked up about all of this?  Yes I have a lot to work on, but I am capable of doing each of these jobs.  All I am gaining by stressing out so much over every little thing is misery.  I am miserable, my family is miserable, and I am certain even my pets are unhappy with this cycle of drama.  I decided the next day that I am going to do my best to just calm down, get the work done and go on with my day.  It’s been a month since I made that decision and life is so much easier.  I am not constantly watching for the sky to fall, instead I am enjoying the ride.  You see I am involved with some of the coolest things!  And a year ago I would have never imagined that I would be doing the work I am doing now.  It’s just great and I am so appreciative to be a part of all of it.

For the curious, here are some of the things I am a part of:

Oddfellow’s Fine Books and Collectables – Hubs and my little bookshop!  We have been featured in a couple of articles here and here.  And our online catalogue can be found here.

Get Downtown Topeka – A collaboration of business owners in Downtown Topeka, we share sales, news and more!

Downtown Topeka Inc. – We are members of DTI and I have been working with them on the Norman the Nutcracker campaign.  It has been a blast!
Berberich Trahan & Co. – I have moved from receptionist to marketing consultant with BT&Co. in the last year.  I work with various clients to help them utilize online marketing as well as create promotional materials for the firm.  Basically I have the best job in the world!
Seveneightfive Magazine – One of the coolest publications around!  I get to write for the magazine from time-to-time as well as some fun graphic work.  Currently I am working on the cover for the next issue, so exciting!
The Topeka History Geeks – My pet project that has grown into a local movement.  It is a group on Facebook where people share and discuss local historical topics.  Yesterday the group reached 4,000 members!



Just look at that handsome kid!

Parent to the best kid in the world – Lastly, I want to mention how proud I am of my kiddo.  While I have been going on about things in my life, he has been dealing with his own struggles and successes.  His dad moved to California over a year ago and that was pretty tuff on him.  But he has bounced back and is happier than ever.  He still talks to his dad online and plays video games with him once a week.  Wunder Hubs and Kiddo have been bonding more than ever and are quickly becoming a team that likes to gang up on Mom (Meh, I’m ok with it).  He has been learning guitar since he was around five or six years old.  Now he has taken up cello and is killing it.  The boy has the most outstanding talent for music and he makes me so proud every time I hear him practice.  He has been so patient while I work at home on weekends, every time I apologize to him for taking so long he says “MOM, Stop worrying!  I’m FINE”.  So kiddo, I have taken your advice, I have stopped worrying.  And you know what?  I’m fine too.