I Wish

Megan has got it all!
Polka-dots, heels, washing machines, nerdy glasses... va-va-va-voom!

Body image is something that most people struggle with.  I suppose ‘the grass is always greener’ is something that applies to people as well as front yards.   In the last year one of the local rock stars I follow online, Meagan James Rogers, has helped me see that no matter how uncomfortable you are with your body, there is probably someone out there that wishes they look like you.  You see, Megan is downright gorgeous.  Yet, she started posting very publicly this year about how she is very uncomfortable with her body image and how she is trying to put herself out there more.  This was shocking to me because every time I saw a picture of Megan the thought would go through my head “I wish I looked like that”.  How could someone that is so beautiful and talented, (she is an amazing photographer, check out Megan Rogers Photographie), how could someone who has so much, ever find themselves lacking.  But there it was, plain as day in text right in front of me.  It makes me think of my own body image.  Which if I was to rate my appearance on a scale of one to ten it would be at about a negative six.  My weight is a major part of that, but add in my crooked teeth, crazy hair, big hands and feet, etc., I feel more like a disheveled Hobbit.  Yet I look back on photos of myself in my early twenties and I am surprised to see that I was actually kind of beautiful.   And at that time I not only felt terrible about how I looked I also had help with the disdain from another party.  I have always been ashamed of my appearance and there have usually been others ready to agree with me on that point.  I was taunted in elementary school as being “Fat Martha” or “Big Bertha” and so on.  Kids can be so cruel.  I had a father who would tell me to go outside and “Run the fat off”, in his own way I know he was trying to help but it was hurtful.   You get my point.  I believed the public opinion of my hideousness, and I saw it too.  I am not tall, thin, blue-eyed, etc.  I’m not a mysterious beauty; I am not any of those portraits of feminine loveliness that you see splashed across your TV screen.  I am just frumpy, chubby, messy me.  I often find myself thinking “I wish I looked like that” when I see people walking down the street.  It’s something I’ve noticed I do and have been working hard to break that habit.  Instead of thinking “I wish” I am starting to say “I will”.  I will get back into shape, I will regain my strength, I will feel better about myself, I will find value in who I am, I will learn to like me.  It’s not easy, and I do not expect to be someone I am not.  I just expect to find the Martha I have been hiding all along.  

And now, my theme song......