Depression

Hello Friends, Family, and Random People on the Internet.

I have not posted in quite a while so let me give you an update on my situation.  I have hit the 300 pound mark.  I am so not pleased with myself, in fact, I am very miserable.  I keep telling myself that once we get moved into our house I will diet, exercise, and be an all around better person.  Will it work? I have no idea, but I hope it will.

I just received a text from our Realtor/favorite stand-up comedian Vicki Trembly stating that after a year of trying to buy a home, we have finally made it over the last hurdle.  Monday we sign the papers and the house is ours.  I am very cautiously excited.  But this is the farthest we have ever made it in the process so I am hopeful that it is happening this time.

So now I have to face reality.  I have to get serious about weight loss, exercise, and I think more importantly my depression.  I have been in denial about my depression for so long, I'm a tank, I can deal with anything that comes my way.  That's how I've always coped.  Just muscle through it and pretty soon you just wont think about it any more.  But that's not the case, I end up getting to the point I can relax and then all I want to do is talk about the bad things that have happened.  The only trouble is I don't trust anyone to handle what I have to say so I end up just keeping it to my self or trying to talk to the hubs but I end up overwhelming him.   So I just push through.

OK, here it goes.  I am depressed.

Goddess of Depression. By Victor Nazarenko

I am depressed because my childhood was horribly unfair.  I am depressed because I have lost family after family.  I am depressed because my first child died.  I am depressed because I have struggled with infertility.  I am depressed because I come from nothing.  I am depressed because I can't talk to my best friend.  I am depressed because I cannot get control over my weight.  I am depressed because someone very important to me thinks I used her.  I am depressed because life is unfair.  I am depressed because I feel I will never be valuable.

I can keep going but you get the idea.  It's funny, I find it easier to tell the world that I weigh an embarrassing amount than to tell the world I am depressed.  This is hard.  I want to delete this post.  I might but I haven't made up my mind yet.  What will everyone think? Will I lose friends?  Will it affect my career?  I try so hard to appear 'normal' when I am so far from it. 

What started this line of thinking is an event that happened Monday night.  Someone close to me tried to take their own life.  This someone (not sharing their name because I want to respect their privacy), decided that they had nothing left worth living for, Their depression became so intense that they were blinded to all of the opportunity that is before them and they couldn't see how many people love them so very much.  This person is currently hospitalized and is working through their demons.  If you would have asked me a week ago if I thought this person would ever try to take their own life I would have answered "never".   They have always been there for all of us, always been so strong.   The thought of them giving up on life is devastating.  I got to see them last night, and they are working on getting through this and finding a good way to deal with their depression.  When I saw them I cried, I cried hard, I cannot imagine this world with out them.

So here is what I plan to do.  I plan to take one day at a time.  I will not let the ghosts of the past or the uncertainty of the future overwhelm me.  I will move into our home and I will do my best to get healthy.  But I will not fixate on failing.  I will celebrate successes and I will make it through this. Just like the person mentioned above will make it through the war they are fighting with depression.  I too will be victorious.  Because I cannot fail.  I cannot let my son down, I cannot leave my husband on his own, I love my family too much to let them feel that kind of loss.

Also, I care enough about myself to try.

Thank you for continuing to visit my blog.  And please don't worry about me.  That is not why I am sharing this, I think mostly I want others to know that they are not alone in depression.  There are so many people who struggle with it daily.  And before you ask, yes, I am getting help.  I've been in and out of therapy since I was eight years old.  I have been taught multiple coping exercises and I know how to handle the anxiety that comes with all of this.  I will be OK.

If you have not seen the above video it is "Elastic Heart" by Sia.  It's a beautiful expression of what the struggle is like to deal with  childhood trauma.

If you have read this and you find yourself struggling with the same feelings, please, PLEASE get help.  There are so many options out there to assist you as you work though that dark cloud that hangs over your head.  The most important thing I can tell you is this,  everything will be OK, you just have to hang on.