DO IT!!!

I spend a lot of time on the internet. I mean a LOT of time. You may call it an obsession and trust me you wouldn't be the first.  But I would like to argue that I am studying internet culture, staying on top of trends and making sure that the content I am putting out there for my clients is as relevant and entertaining as possible.  Anyways, I have seen a recent increase in Vines featuring Shia LeBeouf giving a very strange motivational speech.  Please see the original video below.  

While it may be difficult to take advice from a screaming man with a rather impressive rat tail, he has a point.  Don't dream of success, get out there and make it happen.  It seems so difficult.  We can all come up with reasons why we can't do something.  In fact, I am a pro at coming up with reasons why I cannot get my diet and exercise plan back on track.  But the plain and beautiful truth is that if I just do it I will be successful.  I have to be hard on myself.  No more making excuses, no more setting dates to start, if I want to make this happen I just have to DO IT!

OK Shia LeBeouf, you weird and passionate man.  You screamed at me and it made me think.  Thank you.  

Now, for some of those crazy Vines that we all love

Depression

Hello Friends, Family, and Random People on the Internet.

I have not posted in quite a while so let me give you an update on my situation.  I have hit the 300 pound mark.  I am so not pleased with myself, in fact, I am very miserable.  I keep telling myself that once we get moved into our house I will diet, exercise, and be an all around better person.  Will it work? I have no idea, but I hope it will.

I just received a text from our Realtor/favorite stand-up comedian Vicki Trembly stating that after a year of trying to buy a home, we have finally made it over the last hurdle.  Monday we sign the papers and the house is ours.  I am very cautiously excited.  But this is the farthest we have ever made it in the process so I am hopeful that it is happening this time.

So now I have to face reality.  I have to get serious about weight loss, exercise, and I think more importantly my depression.  I have been in denial about my depression for so long, I'm a tank, I can deal with anything that comes my way.  That's how I've always coped.  Just muscle through it and pretty soon you just wont think about it any more.  But that's not the case, I end up getting to the point I can relax and then all I want to do is talk about the bad things that have happened.  The only trouble is I don't trust anyone to handle what I have to say so I end up just keeping it to my self or trying to talk to the hubs but I end up overwhelming him.   So I just push through.

OK, here it goes.  I am depressed.

Goddess of Depression. By Victor Nazarenko

I am depressed because my childhood was horribly unfair.  I am depressed because I have lost family after family.  I am depressed because my first child died.  I am depressed because I have struggled with infertility.  I am depressed because I come from nothing.  I am depressed because I can't talk to my best friend.  I am depressed because I cannot get control over my weight.  I am depressed because someone very important to me thinks I used her.  I am depressed because life is unfair.  I am depressed because I feel I will never be valuable.

I can keep going but you get the idea.  It's funny, I find it easier to tell the world that I weigh an embarrassing amount than to tell the world I am depressed.  This is hard.  I want to delete this post.  I might but I haven't made up my mind yet.  What will everyone think? Will I lose friends?  Will it affect my career?  I try so hard to appear 'normal' when I am so far from it. 

What started this line of thinking is an event that happened Monday night.  Someone close to me tried to take their own life.  This someone (not sharing their name because I want to respect their privacy), decided that they had nothing left worth living for, Their depression became so intense that they were blinded to all of the opportunity that is before them and they couldn't see how many people love them so very much.  This person is currently hospitalized and is working through their demons.  If you would have asked me a week ago if I thought this person would ever try to take their own life I would have answered "never".   They have always been there for all of us, always been so strong.   The thought of them giving up on life is devastating.  I got to see them last night, and they are working on getting through this and finding a good way to deal with their depression.  When I saw them I cried, I cried hard, I cannot imagine this world with out them.

So here is what I plan to do.  I plan to take one day at a time.  I will not let the ghosts of the past or the uncertainty of the future overwhelm me.  I will move into our home and I will do my best to get healthy.  But I will not fixate on failing.  I will celebrate successes and I will make it through this. Just like the person mentioned above will make it through the war they are fighting with depression.  I too will be victorious.  Because I cannot fail.  I cannot let my son down, I cannot leave my husband on his own, I love my family too much to let them feel that kind of loss.

Also, I care enough about myself to try.

Thank you for continuing to visit my blog.  And please don't worry about me.  That is not why I am sharing this, I think mostly I want others to know that they are not alone in depression.  There are so many people who struggle with it daily.  And before you ask, yes, I am getting help.  I've been in and out of therapy since I was eight years old.  I have been taught multiple coping exercises and I know how to handle the anxiety that comes with all of this.  I will be OK.

If you have not seen the above video it is "Elastic Heart" by Sia.  It's a beautiful expression of what the struggle is like to deal with  childhood trauma.

If you have read this and you find yourself struggling with the same feelings, please, PLEASE get help.  There are so many options out there to assist you as you work though that dark cloud that hangs over your head.  The most important thing I can tell you is this,  everything will be OK, you just have to hang on.

My 33rd Year

Hey Everyone,

From Feb 10th 2013 to Feb 10th 2014 I attempted to record one second of every day.  I missed a few and experienced a few technical setbacks, but overall I am happy with what I got.  Please enjoy this video, it was one crazy year that's for sure.   And if you would like to make your own you can download the app HERE.  

I Wish

Megan has got it all!
Polka-dots, heels, washing machines, nerdy glasses... va-va-va-voom!

Body image is something that most people struggle with.  I suppose ‘the grass is always greener’ is something that applies to people as well as front yards.   In the last year one of the local rock stars I follow online, Meagan James Rogers, has helped me see that no matter how uncomfortable you are with your body, there is probably someone out there that wishes they look like you.  You see, Megan is downright gorgeous.  Yet, she started posting very publicly this year about how she is very uncomfortable with her body image and how she is trying to put herself out there more.  This was shocking to me because every time I saw a picture of Megan the thought would go through my head “I wish I looked like that”.  How could someone that is so beautiful and talented, (she is an amazing photographer, check out Megan Rogers Photographie), how could someone who has so much, ever find themselves lacking.  But there it was, plain as day in text right in front of me.  It makes me think of my own body image.  Which if I was to rate my appearance on a scale of one to ten it would be at about a negative six.  My weight is a major part of that, but add in my crooked teeth, crazy hair, big hands and feet, etc., I feel more like a disheveled Hobbit.  Yet I look back on photos of myself in my early twenties and I am surprised to see that I was actually kind of beautiful.   And at that time I not only felt terrible about how I looked I also had help with the disdain from another party.  I have always been ashamed of my appearance and there have usually been others ready to agree with me on that point.  I was taunted in elementary school as being “Fat Martha” or “Big Bertha” and so on.  Kids can be so cruel.  I had a father who would tell me to go outside and “Run the fat off”, in his own way I know he was trying to help but it was hurtful.   You get my point.  I believed the public opinion of my hideousness, and I saw it too.  I am not tall, thin, blue-eyed, etc.  I’m not a mysterious beauty; I am not any of those portraits of feminine loveliness that you see splashed across your TV screen.  I am just frumpy, chubby, messy me.  I often find myself thinking “I wish I looked like that” when I see people walking down the street.  It’s something I’ve noticed I do and have been working hard to break that habit.  Instead of thinking “I wish” I am starting to say “I will”.  I will get back into shape, I will regain my strength, I will feel better about myself, I will find value in who I am, I will learn to like me.  It’s not easy, and I do not expect to be someone I am not.  I just expect to find the Martha I have been hiding all along.  

And now, my theme song......

Freedom

And just like that, it is over.

Started in 2008 to get an associates degree then kept pushing through to get a bachelors and now a masters. Here's to six years of no summer breaks, studying on weekends, and having to turn down very fun sounding invitations. It was totally worth it, but now it's time to get out there and enjoy life again!

The Struggle Is Real

This cartoon best illustrates my life at the moment.

Bye Bye Beardy

The first time I can remember someone pointing it out I think I was around 12 years old and at the swimming

pool in Gage Park.  I had just gotten out of the pool and got in line for the diving board.  Two boys were in line in front of me doing what most boys do.  They were rough housing, laughing and looking at the girls.  One of them turned to me and exclaimed “She has a mustache!”  The other boy quickly joined in and before long I scurried away to avoid the embarrassment.  I looked in the mirror when I got home and I couldn’t really see what all the fuss was about.  Sure I had a few fine hairs on my upper lip but not a full grown mustache.  Over the next year or so I would hear it from time to time from kids; it was becoming clear that I certainly had a facial hair problem.  I went to my mother to see if she knew what I should do, in talking to her about it I noticed what I always thought were large pores on her face were actually whiskers.  So relieved I said “Oh! You have it too!” she in turn started to cry and cover her face and sob “Don’t look at meeeee”.  From that moment on I was very aware that women with facial hair should be ashamed.  First I started using Nair, which worked for a while but left my face bright red where it had been so the next day I walked around with a rash mustache on my face.  Then I started shaving it every now and again and I thought I had it under control.  It wasn’t until I was 21 years old when I noticed in a picture of me, there was a shadow under my chin.  I immediately went to a mirror and sure enough without me noticing, a wispy beard had started to grow.  I smeared Nair on it but the hairs were too strong.  I shaved it, but the beard just grew back darker.   So I did the unthinkable, I started tweezing the hairs.  This painful ritual became a part of my everyday life.  Just about every evening I would sit in front of the mirror and pluck out the thick black hairs growing in through my chin and neck.  This habit resulted in red sores and marks on my skin.  So to cover up those marks and any new growth during the day, I would cake on makeup under my chin in hopes of hiding my secret from the world.  I thought this was how things would go for the rest of my life.  Luckily that was not true.

I heard about electrolysis once on the radio and thought that it was simply too good to be true.  There is no

Gurl let me probe dat follicle

way that you could have permanent hair removal done.   Then I would catch a show about someone going through the transgender surgery process and getting the procedure done.  It always looked very painful and I suspected very expensive.   So I never once considered making a call and to find out more about it.  Since I have known Wunder Hubs, he has encouraged me to look into electrolysis.  Not because he is bothered by the hair, he could really care less, but because how uncomfortable he knows it makes me feel.  Finally a month ago I decided to give it a try.  I called Laurie Guilbault at Electrolysis Clinic of Topeka and scheduled a free consultation.  To say I was nervous to go to the appointment would be an understatement.  But I walked in the door and did it anyways because it is time to be rid of this problem.   I sat down with Laurie and she explained how electrolysis works.  Laurie’s soft spoken manner and willingness to answer my questions quickly put me at ease.  And to show me how it works she zapped a small patch of hair on my chin.  We talked about pricing and I was floored.  I wasn’t floored because of how expensive it was, no I was floored by how affordable the prices are!  We scheduled an appointment for my first session and I went on my way.  A week and a half later I went in for my first session.  Sure the procedure burns a little bit, but no more painful than the daily tweezing had been.  And I know as soon as she’s done, that hair is not very likely to grow back.  I will continue to visit Laurie periodically for the next year until she and I agree that there are no more hairs growing in that area any more. I can tell you with complete confidence that I feel so much better about how I look after just two sessions.  I know it's silly but it is nice to know that I will not have to mess with these hairs for the rest of my life.

During the first consultation Laurie told me something I had not heard before, my problem is a very common one, especially for women with PCOS.  This was the best news ever and honestly why I am sharing this very personal and rather embarrassing information with you.  If you are hiding facial hair and always worried someone will notice, please do yourself a favor and call Laurie at Electrolysis Clinic of Topeka (785) 357-7292.  I took a picture of her prices on my last visit to share with all of you so you can see just how affordable it really is.