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Sunday, August 3, 2014

Six Steps to the Birth of Bertha

I feel terrible.

I mean it, I feel just terrible.  

It has taken me several days to get to the point that I can admit this publicly.  It’s not going to be easy but here it goes.  I went to the doctor last week and they weighed me like always.  And the weight on the scale was the highest I have ever seen. I am standing on the edge of a milestone that I do not want to cross.  I weighed 292 pounds and for the first time in my life I can actually see 300 pounds happening. 

'Bertha Venus' by Ken Sampson

How could this happen?  Well there are a six different reasons.

  1. I had a hysterectomy.  From what I read about hysterectomies,  weight gain is a pretty common occurrence afterwards.
  2. I am taking a Lexapro.  Lexapro helps me deal with anxiety which is something I live with due to my fun PTSD issues.  Long story, no I’m not crazy, just have some pretty intense baggage.  Anyway, I went many years without the help of Lexapro but recently I have taken on a lot of high pressure responsibilities and I found myself getting overly stressed.  The meds help me to not get so worked up and to focus.  But it also brings weight gain. 
  3.  Home stretch for school.  I am almost done.  Only eight more weeks of school and I am officially done with my MBA.  I cannot put into words how great that feels.  But it also brings a lot of extra time and work.  It is so much easier to say I don’t have time to exercise because I have homework to do.
  4.  Focusing on comfort food.  It is easy to say I don’t have time to eat right either.  But if I organize and plan ahead, eating healthy would not be a problem.  But I like to treat myself; I say “Hey Martie, you’ve been working for three days in a row from sun up to sun down with no Minecraft time.  You deserve a treat.”  And it will not matter if I had a treat the day before or an hour before.  I can easily justify the junk food.
  5.  Haven’t hit my deadline yet.  I have set this deadline for myself.  And that deadline is for when we move into our house.  Of course, the process of buying a house takes forever, especially when you are going through the TopekaOpportunity To Own program.  And there is a 60 day close, and I know we will need to paint before we can move in.  And of course we can’t start dieting that day; it will be so much easier to order a pizza while we are unpacking. Yadda yadda yadda.
  6.  I really REALLY enjoy food.  It is an addiction.  I can see that clear as day.  And until I get that under control nothing is going to change. 

So what do I do?  Will I get up tomorrow and just start making the right decisions?  I hope so.

My goal weight is 175 pounds, that is what I weighed in high school and that was a very comfortable weight for me.  So if you think about it I am carrying nearly 125 pounds of extra weight on my body.  That my dear bloggy friends is a whole additional person.  No wonder my back is killing me, no wonder my knees scream out in agony when I look at stairs, no wonder I snore like a wilder beast.  There is another human in my body and they are crushing me!  So if they are going to occupy my body I should at least name them.  So I am naming that person Bertha and she will no longer be welcome in my body.  I am ready to say “Bertha don't you come around here anymore!”  It’s going to be a hard road but it is time.


  1. I'm in the same boat Martie. Its super frustrating. :(

  2. I wonder how many of us this boat can hold! :) It's not easy. But once it clicks it just starts happening. Just trying to figure out how to make it click.

  3. I have been working on getting it to click again too... I was so in the zone, nothing could shake me... it's not easy to get there but once you are there, you realize it was easy... if that makes sense. I know this is a life long journey for me and that is why I don't beat myself up when I get off the path, I have been on it, I will be again... so will you. Like you said, it will just click :)

  4. Launna you have made such progress, I am really impressed. You will get back to it I have no doubt