I feel terrible.
I mean it, I feel just terrible.
It has taken me several days to get to the point that I can admit this publicly. It’s not going to be easy but here it goes. I went to the doctor last week and they weighed me like always. And the weight on the scale was the highest I have ever seen. I am standing on the edge of a milestone that I do not want to cross. I weighed 292 pounds and for the first time in my life I can actually see 300 pounds happening.
|'Bertha Venus' by Ken Sampson|
How could this happen? Well there are a six different reasons.
- I had a hysterectomy. From what I read about hysterectomies, weight gain is a pretty common occurrence afterwards.
- I am taking a Lexapro. Lexapro helps me deal with anxiety which is something I live with due to my fun PTSD issues. Long story, no I’m not crazy, just have some pretty intense baggage. Anyway, I went many years without the help of Lexapro but recently I have taken on a lot of high pressure responsibilities and I found myself getting overly stressed. The meds help me to not get so worked up and to focus. But it also brings weight gain.
- Home stretch for school. I am almost done. Only eight more weeks of school and I am officially done with my MBA. I cannot put into words how great that feels. But it also brings a lot of extra time and work. It is so much easier to say I don’t have time to exercise because I have homework to do.
- Focusing on comfort food. It is easy to say I don’t have time to eat right either. But if I organize and plan ahead, eating healthy would not be a problem. But I like to treat myself; I say “Hey Martie, you’ve been working for three days in a row from sun up to sun down with no Minecraft time. You deserve a treat.” And it will not matter if I had a treat the day before or an hour before. I can easily justify the junk food.
- Haven’t hit my deadline yet. I have set this deadline for myself. And that deadline is for when we move into our house. Of course, the process of buying a house takes forever, especially when you are going through the TopekaOpportunity To Own program. And there is a 60 day close, and I know we will need to paint before we can move in. And of course we can’t start dieting that day; it will be so much easier to order a pizza while we are unpacking. Yadda yadda yadda.
- I really REALLY enjoy food. It is an addiction. I can see that clear as day. And until I get that under control nothing is going to change.
So what do I do? Will I get up tomorrow and just start making the right decisions? I hope so.
My goal weight is 175 pounds, that is what I weighed in high school and that was a very comfortable weight for me. So if you think about it I am carrying nearly 125 pounds of extra weight on my body. That my dear bloggy friends is a whole additional person. No wonder my back is killing me, no wonder my knees scream out in agony when I look at stairs, no wonder I snore like a wilder beast. There is another human in my body and they are crushing me! So if they are going to occupy my body I should at least name them. So I am naming that person Bertha and she will no longer be welcome in my body. I am ready to say “Bertha don't you come around here anymore!” It’s going to be a hard road but it is time.