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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

It’s in the little things, that is where I see it the most.  Small occurrences that most people wouldn’t notice or have a second thought about give me cause to want to run and hide.  Dropping a raw egg on the floor and feeling that icy grip of terror as it cracks is a good example.  I will become anxious and nervous if the TV is too loud because I need to hear as much as possible in the house.  My stomach turns when someone raises their voice or slams something down on a table.  I do not like to be touched; casual hugs from friends, someone leaning over my shoulder, someone cutting my hair, and so on.  I have a hard time being comfortable with it.  I have been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and this is how I live my life. 
I am a survivor of child abuse.  You name it; I can safely say I have been through it.  Small things like insults and put downs to big things like being held hostage at gun point.  It is strange how these things shape you as an adult.  Most of the time I feel like I am on the outside of society looking in, like I'm playing a part in some strange theatrical production.   My emotions are deep, broken and tormenting. 
What I find to be the most odd, is that I know these things have happened to me but to look back on them is like hearing a story of someone else’s life.  It is like a fictional tale about a kid who seemed to always be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  But the story becomes reality when something happens and all of the emotions I learned to bury as a child come flooding over me. 
I was good at buring it all.  I was raised by a person who felt the need to hide every bad thing from the world.  She taught me to lie and conceal the truth at all costs, even if it meant I had to return to a bad situation. When I would let her know someone was hurting me she would immediately defend them, or have me repeat “it didn’t happen, it didn’t happen, it didn’t happen” over and over again in hopes I would forget.  It would not be until the abuser turned on her would she be willing to talk about anything and usually it was talking about how to save her from the situation. My parents divorce was so bad that I was court ordered into therapy, each time I was dropped off for a session; I was coached on what to say and what not to tell.  I learned to protect the abuser at all costs, and I did it beautifully.  Now that I am an adult, I no longer have to keep anyone’s secrets.  I can instead be honest with anyone who cares to learn about it, I can tell the truth about what happened to me. And THAT my dear reader, is the most liberating thing I have ever experienced. 
This is information that I do not generally share with everyone.  If you know me well then you probably know some of the stories.  What I often find is that people are so impressed at how easy I am to talk too and how much I seem to understand what they are going through.  It amazes me how much everyone needs to talk.  I just listen, I'm not comfortable with telling too much.  It can be off putting.  Like I am sure at the beginning of this post when I said I was held hostage at gun point, you considered clicking away.  Thinking surely she's making this up.  I wish I were.  But it is what it is and it's made me who I am.  I am not ashamed of my past and I hope that if you experienced the same you are not ashamed either.  You have no reason to be.  You can not be responsible for what happened to you when you were a child.  That was their flaw, not yours.  As a kid you have no rights, and even less of a voice. 
If you know of a child that is in an abusive situation, please speak up.  Too many people saw what I was going through but did not say anything because they didn't think it was their place.  If just one person would have come forward my childhood could have been very different.  It is easy to find resources for reporting child abuse online.  Protect the child not the abuser. 
The last thing I want to say is please do not pity me.  I am not a victim, I am a survivor. 

Friday, April 20, 2012

I Gots Chubby Stubbies

Lately I have had this concern.  What if I don’t lose weight evenly all over my body?  The area I am most concerned about are my calves.  As my pants size has gone down, I have noticed a tightness in my pants legs around my calves that I have never noticed before.  I figure with the exercising I have been doing, primarily running, I have been bulking up under my chub.  Plus when you think that my legs have been carrying around 265 pounds for so long, they probably were already pretty strong.  I want to keep training for the 5K coming up, but I am concerned that I might have big-ass hulk legs forever. 
My concern is that if I ever manage to get this thin, I will have legs that look like this.
That’s it, I am going to do some research.  (Picture a fabulous web searching montage, pen in my mouth while typing furiously, quickly write down a tidbit, then back to typing.  All the while with jazzy Henry Mancini music playing) Well, everything I read says that if I keep at it I will eventually lose the weight all over.  I just need to change up my routine and focus on a few key areas.  Here are some tips I found that I am going to give a try.

Reduce the running, try a brisk walk instead.

Drink more water but not more than 8 oz. a day (to prevent water retention)

Skip the weights, squats, and lunges that build massive muscle.

Focus on building lean muscle by trying yoga, Pilates, isometric training, etc.

Most importantly eat healthy.  I have been cheating more on the diet lately.  My thinking is that I am going to be working out and burning it off so that means I can have a treat.  In reality I have been stuck maintaining the same weight, give or take three pounds, for about a month and a half.  This is not what I have had in mind.  Gotta get serious again.  Time to reboot the diet. 
I must consult the Guru, the Weight Saint himself. 

Saturday, April 14, 2012

She's Gonna Run With the Sausages!

So OK, I haven't lost 50 pounds this week like I had hoped, but I did lose three pounds so that's something! 

Runnin' with the sausages
 The newest development in my fat girl saga is that I have been invited to run in a 5K.  What the what?!  I am nervous but also very excited to try it out.  If you are interested in joining me it is the Brat Trot and looks to be a good time!  So now I have to ask, what does one do to prepare for a 5K?  I have been running as much as my schedule will allow.  What else?  If you would leave some comments at the bottom with advice it would be much appreciated.  I have never done anything like this before. 
Now, as I said I have lost three more pounds that puts me under 230!  I am at 229 which means I could slip back above 230 at any time but I am hoping to NEVER see that number on the scale again.

I have lost 36 pounds on this journey, gotta keep going.   OK, time for my favorite part......  What else weighs 36 pounds?

HOLY CARP!  This here fishy weighs 36 pounds
36 Pounds of Fossilized Mammal Bones

This grill weighs 36 pounds.  That's right, I have lost a grill.

Here are 36 pounds worth of tart green apples

Gotta have my drug bust, 36 pounds of pot!
Behold........36 pound Rice Krispy Treat because why not?

And last is my favorite, Su Lin.  Su Lin is 9 and a half months old and weighs 36 pounds in this photo.  She is a very adorable panda bear.  And whenever I see a panda bear, THIS song gets stuck in my head.  Enjoy

Sunday, April 8, 2012

I Relaxed a Bit Too Much

Well friends I have not been doing so good on the diet and exercise thing.  I have been down and out due to being sick.  Still have no idea what exactly was wrong with me.  Yes my lypmh node was swollen, but I had no other sign of infection.  The dizzies still come and go but they have gotten much better.  I have felt weak and tired for two weeks strait.  Physical tasks that my new work out driven body found easy were now daunting.  But two nights ago I was able to get back on the treadmill for 45 minutes so I think I am bouncing back. 

The trouble with not feeling good is that I do not want to diet.  I dug into the comfort foods like a kid in a ball pit.  I would start each day with calories in mind, but as the day progressed I gave into temptations.  I have been hitting a lot of drive thru's, having popcorn in the evenings and rocking candy and cake at work.  I am really kind of shocked how easy it was to slip back into bad habits.  And how easy it has been to rationalize each bad choice. 

So today is Easter, I have gained back two pounds.  I wanted to be under 220 by this point in time but I am still hanging out in the 230's.  With two family get togethers today it is pointless to declare that I am getting back with it, I know I am going to fail.  But come Monday, it will be alright, come Monday I'll be eating food right, I spent 14 crazy days in a food drunk haze and I just want to get back on my diet. (Jimmy Buffett would be so proud.)

We have this record, Kiddo thinks its music from  "My Name is Earl"
I kind of see where he is coming from. 
(this upsets my husband greatly as he is very serious about his Jimmy Buffett)
Have a happy Easter/Passover/Rock out on candy and food day!  See you next post where I hope to report that I am doing wonderfully and have dropped 50 pounds in a week! :)

Monday, April 2, 2012

Dizzy Broad

Hey There Everyone,

If you know me in real life or if you follow me online, you may have noticed that I have not been very active in the last week.  In a previous post I wrote about going to the doctor, still working on getting better.  Last Tuesday a new symptom kicked in that has put me out on light duty. 

This is a good example of how I have been feeling.


If you have never had vertigo let me tell you, it sucks.  Tuesday morning I sat up in bed and fell right back into it.  It felt like the whole room had tilted and sent me flying.  I missed two days of work and haven’t exercised in a week.  The symptoms are getting better and I think I might try a very low impact workout tonight.  Until then, here are some fun optical illusions so you can hop on the crazy ride I have been on for the last week. 

I find this one to be especially upsetting.  Not sure why.