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Tuesday, May 27, 2014

A Touch of Grey

So last weekend we stayed in Kansas City, or just outside ofit, and had a lovely time.  But there is one thing that happened that I have not been able to get out of my head.  It was a horrible reality check, a shock to the senses; it was a big, blinking sign in my face that flashed “YOU’RE GETTING OLD”.  Here’s what happened…..

We were very lucky to get a room, it was Memorial Day weekend and every place Wunder Hubs called was completely booked.  We were just about to give up when he got a room at the Super 8 in Bonner Springs.  They had just gotten a cancellation and gave us the room.  We were very pleased, the trip was back on.  We packed our bags for an overnight stay and headed out.  We decided to check in before we headed to Pizza West for dinner.  We unloaded the Kia, walked to the elevator and waited for what seemed an eternity for it to arrive.  We waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, we were to the point of going to the front desk to see if there is a problem with their elevator.  But just as we started to walk away we heard the “BEEP” signaling the elevators arrival. 

This is pretty much exactly what they had on
We turned and froze.  It was the Kiddo’s face I noticed first.  His eyes bulged, he blushed and looked at me then back at the elevator, then all around not sure where to look.  Out of the elevator came a shirtless man in leather pants, a bow tie and a fur scarf.  He was trailed by two girls in neon bikinis.  We all paused and looked at each other, then continued on our way.  But in that moment, the moment in which we all stopped and took in the presence of one another, the harsh realization hit me. 

I think what triggered the realization was not the clothing of the elevator skin tribe (or lack thereof).  But it was the way they looked at me.  I was able to see myself from their point of view.  And their point of view took my mental image of myself which looks something like this…..

Behold the thinnest I have ever been in my adult life!  This is 2006 Martie and how I often find my perception of myself mentally to look.  (if that makes any sense at all.)

And turned it into something like this…..
Hello children!  May I bake you a pie?
As we boarded the elevator, Wunder Hubs chuckled and said “Oh to be 20 again”. I gave a snort of a laugh in agreeance.  But my mind wondered, I was never that young.  Nope, not ever.  I went from child to housewife (you see my first marriage started when I was 17).  I cannot relate to these people in any way.  

And that felt strange.

Later we learned that the hotel was booked because of a Skrillex concert.  Thus the wildly funky cast of characters we continued to encounter at the Super 8.  Maybe he wouldn't see me as so old and lame if we met.....

"Hey Baby, I think your career development plan is HAWT!  Tell me more about your phat 401(k)"
So am I upset about being old?  No, not really.  Sure it would be great to be as fat as I thought I was in my 20’s.  And sure it would be nice to not have the aches and pains that I have now in my joints.  But I love my life, I love my Wunder Hubs and my Kiddo.  Life is more manageable now that I am nearing my *gasp* mid 30’s.  So I am not hep and trendy as the kids, that’s OK, I've got swagger.  

OK, maybe not, but I am comfortable with my place in this world and that has to count for something.  I will get by......

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Vacation Rules

Tonight I am writing you from Kansas City, well, just outside of it in Bonner Springs.  We are enjoying a mini-vacation this Memorial Day weekend.  We started the journey at one of our favorite places on Earth,
Can we just move in please?  We wouldn't be any trouble, we promise!
Pizza West.  What????  You have not been to Pizza West?  Crazy Talk!  Let me tell you about it.   Simply put, Pizza West is the bomb-diggity.  They have SEVEN pinball machines to play!  That alone is enough to get us to make a trip to Shawnee, Kansas.  But in addition to pinball goodness, they have quality pizza.  It’s rather delish.  Is it a family place?  Sure!  Every table is covered with white paper which begs to be colored with the complimentary crayons provided.   Is it a good place to go and watch sports?  You bet your sweet bippy!  Little televisions at each table invite you to tune in and watch the game while their beer selection is ready to meet your needs.   The place is decorated in a fun and energetic fashion, with upside-down lamps as lighting and a train that runs up above.   We are such big fans of this place that Gavin had to buy a shirt from them.  He wore it when he participated in Camp Gizmo a few months back, they created a Harlem Shake video and we sent the owners of Pizza West the link.  Now whenever we come into the place they yell "Hey Harlem Shake Kid!" and give him quarters to play pinball.   As you can tell, I am a fan of this place, it’s pretty awesome.

Now normally when we go to Pizza West, we get a couple of pizzas, cheesy garlic bread, and a big ol’ desert.  We eat as much as we can possibly stand, take the rest home, and probably have more of the left-overs for an evening snack.    I’m not proud of this, but it is what it is.  Add to that the fact that we are on vacation (normally a free-for-all junk food spree and second dinner extravaganza), the odds are that we are going to make this visit to Pizza West one for the record books.  Well it was, but in a much different way.   You see we have been good this week, I mean REALLY good.  Brandon has dropped 14 pounds and has had to tighten his belt two notches this week.  I am a bit behind him at 9 pounds but I am very happy with that.   Before we got to Pizza West tonight, Brandon looked up their menu and planed out our order.  Instead of ordering two pizzas, we got one, and that one was a medium.   We split the pizza up between the three of us and we had salads from the salad bar before we ate the pizza.  It was delicious, it was worth the wait (been planning this trip for most of the week), and the best part, we weren't miserable after we ate.  We didn't stuff ourselves so full that we were in pain.  Instead we got just enough and were able to go on with our evening. 

Will we always have that kind of self control?  Probably not.  But tonight we did and that was a major accomplishment.  

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Embracing the Hunger

Here I am on day three of getting with it.  Things feel different this time, I really feel like it is going to happen.  At least, I can hold out for a while.  Usually I make all kinds of plans, make it one day, then the smallest obstacle comes up and I am back to my old habits.  Not this time.  This time I am feeling pretty darn good. 
Today they are having birthday treats at the office.  The third Wednesday of every month we bring in birthday treats for the office.  First the email goes out, and then I see people walking by my office with donuts, crackers, dip and more.  This has been a test for me today.  The first day was easier; I was excited about the change.  I was able to turn down ice cream and margaritas.  Yesterday was a bit harder; the evening snack time was more tempting.  Today I am struggling.  I had oatmeal for breakfast; it was filling until about 15 minutes ago.  Now my tummy is growling and I want to eat.

How I feel sitting next to the normal-sized folk

I’ve always loved the feeling of hunger, mostly because it was a signal that I could eat some more.  Yes I love to eat.  It is a beautiful moment in my day where I get to indulge, I get to enjoy, and I am in control.  I can choose what I feed my body, and I can choose what sounds the most pleasurable.  And I can always convince myself that the least nutritious choice is the best.    I think about ways I have “earned” this treat, either by referencing some accomplishment, or by consoling myself after a disappointment.  Yes the reason to indulge in a poor diet is easy to find.  The reason to be steadfast and properly feed my body is never as attractive as melty cheese and crispy crust. 

Edited to protect your delicate sensibilities.

The last few days I have noticed the feeling of hunger more as it is growing more deeply within me.  I know I need to have a few healthy snacks between meals to keep my metabolism going, but I haven’t found my go-to snack just yet.  But I will.  For now I am embracing the feeling of hunger.  My stomach growls and I close my eyes, take a deep breath and focus on the feeling.  I focus on the intensity of it.  I think about how this feeling is a helpful sign and not a green flag to binge.  I do not allow myself to simply react to the feeling by grabbing whatever is closest.  I stop and I think about what I have eaten and what I should eat, or if I should eat.  I focus on the beauty of the hunger, and how selfish I have been all of these years. 

This post is running long; I will expand on it next time.  Thanks for reading!

Sunday, May 18, 2014

More Than My Frame Can Take

I weighed myself this morning, something that I rarely do anymore.  I weighed in at 280 pounds.  Honestly I expected it to be more, here’s why.  Two years ago, when I was blogging regularly and really working to lose weight, I could jog for an hour at least.  Now, a simple walk around the grocery store is near agony.  The muscles in my legs cramp up, I get this massive ball of pain in my lower back, and I am out of breath after a walk from one side of my apartment to the other.  This is a complete and total failure.  Because not only did I gain back the weight I had lost, I added to that weight.  I have never been this heavy in my life, even when I was pregnant with the kiddo I didn't weigh this much.

So it got me thinking, this is way more than my tiny skeleton is meant to carry.  My height is five feet and
This is a good representation of how I feel all the time
nearly two inches (I’m claiming that second inch!).  The kiddo, who will be turning 11 in a couple of months, is nearly the same height as I am.  Other kids in his class are now taller than me.  If you go by that scale that estimates ideal weight for height, I should be 100-110 pounds.  So that means I am carrying an extra 180 pounds with me wherever I go.  That is a full grown adult.  That my friends is insane.  No wonder I am exhausted all the time, no wonder none of my clothes fit right any more, no wonder my shoes are destroyed on a regular basis.  If I were Atlas it would be impressive, but since I am just me, not so much.

Hubs is in the same boat, we are morbidly obese and we are miserable.  Together we have set the date, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives.  Yes I know we have done this before, but it has to work this time.  If not I worry we will not be around much longer.  Today we are moving a treadmill to the book store.  We are hoping to buy a house this summer, once we do that the treadmill will once again be where we live and that will be a big help.  We have vowed that there will no longer be fast food lunches, no more fatty/sugary snacks in the house, and we will be drinking a lot more water. 

Here we go,